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A British casino is hiring someone to watch every episode of ‘The Simpsons’ to help predict the future and my crystal ball sees failure

There are times when it seems like “The Simpsons” is written by Nostradamus.

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There are times when it seems like “The Simpsons” is written by Nostradamus.

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Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/10/2021 (1012 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

There are times when it seems like “The Simpsons” is written by Nostradamus.

The Trump presidency. Siegfried & Roy getting attacked by a white tiger. Smart watches. Disney buying 21st Century Fox. Autocorrect. Proof of the Higgs boson particle. Richard Branson rocketing into space. Construction of the Shard in London.

These are just a few gags the show imagined before they happened in real life.

Now a British casino believes there must be more clairvoyance in the archives.

Are you looking for a new gig? Do you have any interest in watching every episode of “The Simpsons,” plus the spinoff film, which translates into 284 hours, or 35.5 hours per week over two months? If so, I direct you to a marketing stunt gussied up as a position vacancy from Platin Casino: “Simpsons Series Analyst.”

The successful candidate, who can reside anywhere in the world, must be fluent in English and have strong writing skills. That’s basically it. The stipend for this retina-tattooing gig is £5,000, which converts to over $8,500 in Canadian bucks. The only other perk is a weekly box of doughnuts, a nod to Homer Simpson.

To the interested, I say, “Go for it.” I’m tempted to apply myself. This might be the easiest job since Khloé Kardashian House Sitter: “She’s going to pay me $100 per hour to Photoshop selfies and chuck out expired yogurt while she’s away in Jamaica?”

I’ve only been to Vegas once. Despite weeks of number-counting practice and untold hours on Blackjack apps and deep dives into the nuances of slots probability, or the hidden vagaries of craps and roulette, I left Nevada poorer than when I arrived. My dream of returning to Toronto with Bezos’ money was rudely interrupted in real time by the realization the house always wins.

Now I’m not so sure. As far as I can tell, Platin Casino is giving away money. It is looking for someone to watch every episode of “The Simpsons” and then “note down standout events from the show,” to “help us predict the probability of each one happening.”

Why? I have no idea.

But since the 2016 U.S. election, there are no notes left to down.

I’ve read many stories in recent years about the eerily accurate predictions from “The Simpsons.” The discovery of a three-eyed fish. A horsemeat scandal. A FIFA scandal. A foreshadowing of Lady Gaga’s performance at the Super Bowl. A pandemic originating in China. Lawsuits from obese but still famished customers kicked out of “all you can eat” buffets. The belief the universe is doughnut-shaped is no longer as fringe as when Homer shared this theory with Stephen Hawking at Moe’s Tavern in Season 10.

And since that first story ran about how “The Simpsons” was more accurate than Miss Cleo, internet sleuths have run a fine-toothed comb over every episode in search of other animated prophecy. If “The Simpsons” had ever predicted TikTok challenges, Zoom, Timothée Chalamet, “Squid Game,” the Alberta secession movement, the Great Chicken Sandwich Wars, Yeezy sneakers or Usher going for jogs with pet goats, we’d know that by now. We’d know it all by now.

Don’t tell the Star’s new owners. But I’m going to apply for this job. And when I get it — how could Platin Casino possibly turn down a former TV critic with a lifelong love of the paranormal who has written 20,000-word essays on the history of soothsaying? — I am going to screw with this casino the way casinos usually screw with us.

I am going to binge my free doughnuts, pretend to be watching every episode — I’ll be in my backyard, prepping for winter bird-feeding season — and then make up plausible predictions the casino will find too intoxicating to fact-check before firing off a release.

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“After completing his successful role as ‘Simpsons’ Series Analyst, Vinay Menon, from Toronto, has found storylines in old episodes that predict Justin Trudeau’s socks will take over as prime minister in 2022, William Shatner will impregnate a Martian, Dave Chappelle will come out as trans, Campbell’s will release a soup called ‘Supply Chain Inflation Gumbo,’ Turks will secede from Caicos, Machine Gun Kelly will rebrand as Pistol Pete, the Leafs will win the Stanley Cup in 2267, Uber ratings will be settled by arm wrestles, skinny jeans will be a crime, Gwyneth Paltrow will release a new sex toy called ‘King Kong Pastel Dong,’ Ikea will pivot to cannabis, Bobby Flay will corner the market on barbecue cannibalism, mirrors will be banned as ‘self-appropriation,’ and Tucker Carlson and Richard Spencer will release a holiday album of duets titled, ‘I’m Dreaming of a Non-White Christmas.’”

Come on, Platin Casino. All the predictions from “The Simpsons” are already online.

So call off the job search. Give me the £5,000. I have winter bird seed to buy.

And you need to realize the house always loses in the game of free publicity.

Vinay Menon is the Star’s pop culture columnist based in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter: @vinaymenon

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Alexander Townley undoubtedly became the envy of longtime watchers of the animated series after revealing that he gets paid $6,804 to watch every episode of the iconic comedy cartoon — with complimentary doh-nuts thrown in to boot.

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